Then when I started to heal and I was at a Yankees game with my dear friend, Nora, and they played some part of the score. I think maybe it was to introduce one of their players or something. And it stung, but only a little bit.
And now it feels great again.
Now I don't know if I've been more, less or about the same deluded as anyone else, but when I was younger I seriously thought that my life would eventually be a series of epic movie moments. I don't know where I got this strange notion? Fairy tales? Losing a father so young and wanting to fill my emptiness with the idea that one day I wouldn't feel so abandoned and ordinary? Less than ordinary. Not worth sticking around for. Now I know he wouldn't have left so suddenly and so young if he had known he wasn't sticking around past 36. I know that. Tell it to a four-year-old, though.
I projected a clean slate onto my future. Sickness? Somehow, never. Heartbreak? Not much. Loss? Only when managed in small chunks - one death per five years, and everyone I love living past 100. Bad skin? Never. Pregnancy and childbirth? Painless in every way. The emotional pain of having children? Unimagined. Career slumps, or rather, deep burrows into dark holes? Hardly. Money? Always there. Food? Organic and whole. Friendships? Not fade away. Family? Realizing dreams.
As you can imagine, my future didn't measure up quite how I pictured it. In some ways. In other ways, it's better than I originally planned. In such raw and expansive ways. And I guess it is a series of moments, sometimes even with a score.
Conflicted moments. Painful moments. Boring moments. In between moments. And those thrills and chills..
..memorizing a portion of the Torah and singing it aloud to hundreds of people at my Bat Mitzvah.
..writing a letter to get myself into my dream college, a month before semester was to start when I was already enrolled elsewhere, and receiving a reply that I had been reviewed again, and accepted.
..Meeting Cassidy at JFK Airport. Twice. Dizzy on the monorail, U2 on the car stereo.
..And not quite lastly in the long run, but lastly for today, creating two humans. And meeting them.
Maybe I have movie moments every day. Dizzyingly in love with three people.
And then I think, "Hey, doing ok here."
More to come. Career stuff. Other stuff. Bad stuff. Good stuff. It's all stuff.
And I stand back and let them dream about their own futures, whatever that will be.
Every now and then, it's your time. I think.